Istokstan

A few days ago, I wanted to be aware of my first memory and I failed. Not because I couldn’t find anything, I just wanted to go further and dig deeper. So I kept digging until I stopped right in the present. I do not have to go that far to introduce myself to you. Nevertheless, I am doing this to encourage you and possibly ignite the spark in you – the one who will read this. To begin with, whenever I went for a job interview I was asked what my hobbies were. My answer always was, my hobby was night photography of butterflies at the North Pole. The responses varied, but the interest remained. This was an advice of an acquainted psychologist with whom I occasionally had a cup of coffee and a chat. Another advice that stuck was one from my grandmother. She told me, when you write a letter, before you put it in an envelope and send it, put it under your pillow and sleep for one night. The next morning read it again and if what it says is really what you want to say, send it. Or the wisdom of another grandmother: when you are with a woman you are not free. There are many more, and the common thing is that I have learnt them from old and older. So I cannot leave out my grandfather and his reality. A silent man, very few words I heard from him, but the ones I did are still with me. He spoke so little that what he said really happened. Old school. Sadly, I have matured too late to know the power and the story of my mother. She has overtaken me. That’s how I work with memories and stories. My father and I grew up together after she left and I can say that love came between us. I carry within me a fierce woman and an authority that watches over everything I do. A passion infused with mystical imagination and a dense physical will with which I regenerate myself. Seemingly disconnected, driven in different directions. Only clear and distinct thoughts which express the essence end the contradictions. And I find balance again. Calm down, rest, I can talk and I can hear again. I clarify between the first and the last. I am more concerned with the latter than the former. Although I can say I am interested in the whole and not just in winning. Others have seen in me many things that I have not seen, just as I know how to see in others what is apparently not there. What a joy that is, and what magic and enchantment. And the stirring and the floating and the wishing and the slow sobering. I want, my desire is strong and seemingly unreal. I am learning, as I am learning to accept the perfection of the given. So I go after my curiosity among books, conversations, thoughts, emotional atmospheres, illusions, love, imagination, as well as work and the road. The latter was a turning point. It took so long, that I never fully came back. I was cycling around the world and learning both sides of myself. The tender, feminine side. Falling in love with what hasn’t existed before. As well as the hard masculine will. It wouldn’t let me go until I found somewhere to put down roots. Now I write from here, where I feel I’ve rooted down deeply and where my crown bloomed. I have found the place where I had to get to. If you want to know, I have found where I want to die. Welcome!